Today is my birthday!

I have to say, it’s going to be tough to top this past year. Not only because of the accomplishments you saw in public — though of course, the year I turned 40 will always be the year I became a bestselling author (and took every opportunity to scream that fun fact from the rooftops,) the year my daughter started elementary school and the year I went all in on my consulting business.

I often say that 40 was the year I felt more like myself than ever before. Sharing this sentiment with people my age usually results in complete understanding. There’s a level of comfort, of satisfaction, of boldness and fearlessness that I can’t fully articulate. I guess after many years of trying to figure things out, at 40 you finally settle into the understanding that you’ll always be figuring shit out, and that ends up being a surprisingly lovely place to exist.

P.S. If you’re new here, I’m Amy, a corporate speaker, marketing consultant, journalist, leadership coach, and USA TODAY bestselling author of The Setback Cycle. (Want to hire me to speak at your organization? Shoot me a note here.)

Yesterday, I celebrated with my best friend whose birthday is the day after mine. We’ve been celebrating our birthdays together for more than 20 years. In fact, we realized that this week marks the 20th anniversary of our 21st birthdays. That day, I became old enough to drink legally. Now, I’m old enough to go to bed at 8:30pm and feel zero shame in that.

​

In honor of that totally obscure milestone, and because lists are fun, and because 41 is too long of a list, here are 21 things I’ve come to learn and accept at 41:

🎉 1. Career success is not always tied to money. Some years are for going big with your ambition, but others are for setting a foundation, for transitions, for investing and building. If you have a vision, even if that vision isn’t totally clear yet, just keep moving it forward.

🎉 2. Every woman I know still struggles with people pleasing. Each year I get better at caring less but it's a constant battle.

🎉 3. I don’t drink enough water. Both my grandparents both lived to be over 100 and I never saw them drink a sip of water in their lives. They went straight from coffee to soda to the occasional beer. I support this lifestyle.

🎉 4. While I still get self-conscious about stuff, I no longer let self-doubt define me. Now it’s just an accessory I tote around with me and I accept its’ ever presence in my life. Highly recommend.

🎉 5. I’m really good at what I do and I’m really really proud of the business I’ve built. I love my clients and 100% of my work has come through folks I’ve worked with who keep recommending me to others. When people are happy with the work you do, they are eager to tell other people about it. Hence my inference that I am good at what I do.

🎉 6. I am no longer hesitant to brag about myself. See above.

🎉 7. I have always been able to find joy in various types of movement but these days, my favorite thing is having my neighbors and friends over and hosting small workout classes in our garage gym. It’s truly the best because it combines community and movement all in one.

🎉 8. Don’t be afraid of short haircuts, even for those of us combatting frizz on the daily.

🎉 9. It’s true that men get hotter as they age. It’s unfair, of course, but if you happen to live with a man who is getting more attractive every year, just enjoy the view.

🎉 10. The best gifts include going out to dinner with family, a date night with my husband, and another year of weekly flower deliveries. (If you’re married to a floral enthusiast, take particular note because this also automatically builds in Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day and other holidays)

🎉 11. Write down as much as you can. You will forget how much progress you’ve made unless you write down where you are right now. You will forget how you feel in this moment unless you write it down. Look at what you wrote a few years ago and be amazed by how far you’ve come.

🎉 12. I’m still not sure if I should take creatine supplements. Instagram tells me if I don’t start taking them now, my muscles will spontaneously turn to goo at the stroke of midnight on my 45th birthday, but if I do start taking them now I’ll look like a skeleton with skin and am guaranteed to live to the age of 500.

🎉 13. I still take Ubers when I could take the subway. My husband calls this lighting money on fire. I call it investing in comfort.

🎉 14. Do things that bring you joy like getting a weekly flower delivery or treating yourself to an Uber when you can easily take the subway.

🎉 15. Consider the legacy you leave. I have always been fascinated by my great aunt May, who I am named for. Part of this fascination is exploring the legacy of a woman who had no children of her own. Just today, the very talented Jessica Alpert wrote this beautiful piece connecting Aunt May's legacy to the stories I tell today, and the themes I explored in The Setback Cycle. What perfect timing that this went live today, and what a gift to learn even more about this woman's life. Aunt May's story is one I'm committed to exploring further, in some way. Stay tuned.

🎉 16. Don’t ask people if they plan to have kids. Don’t ask parents who only have one kid if they’re having more. You never know what their story is and also it’s annoying.

🎉 17. On that note, I’m getting an IUD for the first time in a few weeks and I am terrified. Send me all your pain management and women’s health advocacy tips.

🎉 18. Speak your truth, even when it makes people uncomfortable. A lot of people claim to do this and claim to support other people doing it, but when the time comes you'll find them cowering in a corner as they maintain the status quo. I have actually done this, I have pissed people off in doing so, and I’m here to say it is very uncomfortable and very worth it.

🎉 19. Find a third space. A third space is a space that is not your work or your home. A local park, a gym, a tennis court, a book club, a pottery studio. That’s where you find community, friendship and often, the ever elusive happiness and satisfaction.

🎉 20. Spend as much time with the people you love as you possibly can.

🎉 21. Speaking of legacy, family and community, I’ll leave you with some advice from my grandmother, Bubbe, who shared some wise words I will never forget:

“Love, trust and respect are the most important things. Everything else falls into place. Listen to your old lady.”

​

In the meantime, here’s what I’m:

The editor of Modern Love has been reading people’s most intimate stories for the past twenty years. Here are his top seven tips on how to be a better partner. (This is a gift link if you don't have a NYT subscription)

This was a fun read about one of today’s most sought after choreographers, with insights into why TikTok dances go viral.

​

Women who use their wealth in service of societal advancement.

​